Viruses. Bacteria. As humans, we’re crawling with them. In fact, bacteria compose about 1-2% of your body mass. (National Institutes of Health, 2012) HIV, hepatitis, chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea. E. Coli. Ebola. The common cold. These are all part of the human condition. Though both are members of the same virus family, we have parties for chicken pox, but not genital herpes.
Having sex is a basic human biological function. So it goes: everybody eats, so everybody poops. While it’s true sex has meaning and form unrelated to its function for the species, fundamentally, the fact remains we are sexual creatures. Doing the nasty is hard wired. For some of us, harder than others.
As such, getting chlamydia shouldn’t be any more shaming than eating the chicken salad that had sat out too long at the Fourth of July picnic. In some circles though, eating at Jack-in-the-Box on a Saturday night might get you judged more harshly than a random hook-up. Wear your helmet, people.
I’ve had tens of thousands of conversations with patients about innumerable diagnoses over my years as a practicing Ob/Gyn. Without exaggeration, patients are much more likely to lose composure over a diagnosis of genital herpes than cancer. The stigma attached to herpes often devastates women psychologically. It is a threat to self-esteem, self-worth, and ability to experience intimacy.
The physical aspects of genital herpes vary; the virus certainly has the potential to cause some very real suffering. A primary infection can mimic the ‘flu’, with fevers, body aches. However, primary infections can pass unawares. Recurrences tend to be infrequent, with effective preventative treatment available.
Herpes is unique in that the stigma of disease may truly be the worst feature of the illness. Unlike HIV or hepatitis, which are also stigmatized, herpes is not deadly. What the person fears when she receives the diagnosis is not the itching and burning. It’s the idea that the virus makes you untouchable, undesirable, unlovable.
Every last member of the human race has something about ourselves we have a hard time accepting, be it love handles, butt acne, a Fabrege egg addiction, you name it. Most of what makes us uncomfortable with ourselves signifies a weakness, something that makes us ‘less than’. Most of what we allow ourselves to be shamed by we could also do something about given sufficient will and resources. Not so with herpes. It becomes an undeniable fact of who you are.
So what can we learn, where’s the ‘gift’? The person living with herpes, or HIV or whatever the demonized form of cooties du jour, must reconcile two undeniable facts. The first undeniable fact is that as a human being, we are all worthy of love (some of us are easier to love than others, but that’s another blog). No exceptions. The second fact, of having a chronic STD, cuts to the core of our ability to be vulnerable, to be at peace with our essential okay-ness. If you can get your head around the concept that both things are true and exist in the same person, you’ve got a big jump start on self-love.
Stay tuned for Part 2.
Gynogirlfriend, May 9, 2015
