If you’re a teen trying to decide whether or not to become sexually active, the answer to the question “Should I Wait?” is YES.
Still reading? Hang in there, but that’s the bottom line. For young teens in particular, the very best thing for your physical, emotional, spiritual health is to not have sex. Period.
That being said, teens are sexual beings. Girls now are going through puberty earlier on average than we did decades ago. Whether this is a result of better nutrition or exposures to chemicals in our environment, girls are developing breasts and having periods in the US on average around age 12.
On top of all the other health risks that go along with this, girls who go through puberty early are also more likely to become sexually active earlier. They are also more likely to experience sexual abuse and teen pregnancy.
Sounds wonderful, huh?
For the five of you who are still reading (JK), way to go. Despite all of the above, I know some of you will still choose to have sex. When I say “have sex”, this includes:
- vaginal (penis-in-the-vagina)sex,
- anal (penis-in-the anus) sex,
- oral sex (stimulating the genitals with the mouth) aka “going down” on someone
- “hand jobs”, genital rubbing, petting
- masturbation, or having sex with yourself.
There are other types of sex, but these are the most common. Sexual activity is as varied as the human imagination. Vaginal and anal sex are the riskiest. Masturbation is the only truly “safe” sex.
Sex can be a wonderful experience, or it can be really horrible, especially if you’re really not ready for it. It can also have consequences that are life changing. If you do make the choice to have sex, give yourself the best chance of staying healthy in mind and body.
- Use. A. Condom. Every time, no exceptions. Whether you’re using an internal condom or external condom, it’s your best line of defense against STD and an OK method of birth control. Not perfect, but much better than nothing. No excuses.
- If you’re having sex with a male, use another method of birth control. While condoms are OK at preventing pregnancy, they’re just OK, not great. In fact 1 in 5 women relying on condoms alone will get pregnant within a year! Best case scenario: visit a health care provider with a parent or other trusted adult to talk about options. Otherwise, depending on where you live, you may be able to access free services through your local health department or Planned Parenthood without an adult’s permission.
- Educate yourself about the consequences. Sex between a male and female carries the risk of a pregnancy. The “pull out” method is not, I repeat, NOT reliable, see #1 and 2. Some STDs, if caught early, can be treated completely. Others can stick with you for life, or worse yet, end your life.
- Think about your motives. Why are you becoming sexually active? It’s a big step to take, so do it for the right reasons. If you’re doing it because your partner or your friends are pressuring you to, that’s not a good reason.
- Talk with your partner. Make sure you’re on the same page on all of the above. Setting boundaries is important. You should feel free to talk with your partner about what kind of sexual activity is OK and what’s not. What’s OK may change for you, make sure your partner knows how to help you feel safe.
- Talk with a trusted adult. Yes, I really mean it. I know this isn’t always an option, but if there’s a parent, a school counselor, or health care professional you can share what you’re going through with, you just might get some really helpful guidance. You may also get a lecture or a dumb look or all of the above, but it’s worth a try. All states permit minors to get STD testing without an adult’s permission; most states allow minors to get birth control without an adult. Your doctor or nurse practitioner can be a great source of information about sexuality.
- Get tested. Early and often. If you can, go with your partner. If you are diagnosed with an STD, your partner needs to know, and both of you need to get treated. If you’re unable to talk with your partner, the health department may be required by law to contact your partner. It’s everybody’s responsibility to do their part to prevent the spread of STDs.
There’s a lot to know, and we’ve just scratched the surface here. Want more? Visit our Resources page for a list of GynoGirlfriend-approved websites and go on with your fabulous self.
I disagree with that answer. The answer should not be: wait! The answer in my opinion should be: it depends if the teens involved are ready for it and mature enough to do it in a responsible way. And there are teenagers who are. My first sexual experience was with my girlfriend at the time, we were both 15 years old and it was great. To this day that woman and I are friends and she, like me is very happy that it happened how and when it happened! It was her first time too. We were responsible about it because we had parents who weren’t puritans and who had taught us how to handle a situation like that.
My advice to my own sons (or daughter if I had one) is definitely not “wait!” My answer is if you are going to do “adult things” make sure you handle this as an adult. I make sure my kids are comfortable enough talking about sex with me so they trust me to ask for advice. When kids are in a situation where they really want to have sex and all they get for advice from adults is “wait” then it’s very likely they will just ignore adults and assume they don’t understand. We need to teach our kids how to be comfortable and open sexually. Sexual repression is a big problem in this society (and others as well). Statistics show that the more teenagers plea to keep their virginity until the marry (as many religious/Puritan campaigns promote)the more likely they are to end up pregnant or have unhealthy sex lives. It is our duty as parents and educated adults to teach teenagers about what a natural, healthy and wonderful thing sex is. And this includes explaining to them, that biologically speaking when they want to have sex it means biologically or evolutionary speaking they are ready even if not emotionally. The problem is that modern societal living creates a lot of complications including the fact that as a teenager you may not be ready emotionally or know how to do it responsibly to avoid contracting an std or getting pregnant. But we can help them deal with all of the societal complications and we can help them make more mature decisions whether they want to wait or begin being sexually active in a responsible way.
I guess I was fortunate enough to have a father who is a very intelligent man (and one of the best pediatric surgeons in the world: Dr. Alberto Pena) but I don’t think it’s necessary to have parents like mine to receive wise and sound advice. I know of many people that are intelligent enough and free from Puritan tendencies to teach their kids about sexuality in an open, and healthy way and promoting sexual activity whenever their kids are ready.
Thanks for your comments, but I don’t really believe we’re in disagreement at all! Abstinence education is an oxymoron, I’m well-aware of its dangers. My goal for this article was (hopefully) to provide some direction and encouragement for those who choose to become sexually active to seek the support they need to successfully navigate that transition. Scarleteen.com and plannedparenthood.com are excellent resources for both parents and teens who’d like more comprehensive information.